This Dating Thing- Part II
Luckily, at this time I was pretty sure I was going to be getting a decent promotion at work and we would be able to relocate, so I thought “hey if we relocate, we can find somewhere without other gay guys and we can start over brand new”. I hung on to that one hope to get us through. I was correct, I was promoted a short while after all the mess. We relocated and this thing was bound to work. We gradually ended up in the same situation we had wound up in before. Our relationship became non-stop arguing and was hitting that physical point again. I put everything I possibly could into making it work, but it wasn’t enough. He was going back to what I thought were old habits, but really they were habits he just couldn’t avoid. I reached out to a gay friend of mine to share my personal feeling about the relationship and where it was headed. I wanted to be able to think aloud and figure things out. I figured things out. This wasn’t the life I wanted. This wasn’t where I saw myself being and I wasn’t about to waste anymore time with it. The relationship was important but I think we both knew it wasn’t meant to be. I sat him down and we discussed it. We were both tired of trying to force something to work that wasn’t going to work. He didn’t wholeheartedly agree, but I knew it and could see it. I needed to get out of it. This try (and the last try) at this relationship, ended 11 months in.
So, those are my three serious (tries at) serious relationships. What a journey. Almost 3 years later, and at the age of 27, and three attempts in, I can say I have learned a lesson. A valuable one. There are absolutely no clear cut rules to dating or relationships. There are none, but there are some really good guidelines and things to watch out for. I can tell you what they are and there is no way that I can guarantee that you will learn the lesson through me.
Here’s a really good shot at it (just like anything else, most likely you will have to learn on your own though)…..
I’ve learned that I can’t live off of the “I’m afraid of dying alone” fear. I just can’t do it. And yes, I will find the person that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, but not repeat the steps I went through before or at least not in the same order.
There has to be a foundation, a foundation built not off of rushing in to live with each other because you can’t get enough of one another, but a foundation where you date and get to know one another. Where you spend quality time getting to know one another, but that you take breaks and let each other breathe and figure out how to work one another in to your individual lives. It’s very important that two people considering a relationship have that time to find themselves in the relationship.
Everything all starts with conversation. The conversation(s) should lead into dating. I’m not talking about another hook-up. Hook ups are ridiculous. Sex without a foundation, is just sex. Don’t expect to have sex and then work on a successful relationship afterward. It rarely works. Sex is not a foundation for anything but a failed relationship in my opinion. Sex is a benefit of a good relationship, not what makes a good relationship. God, I hate hook ups with a passion. No value what so ever. Great in the moment, but horrible to never have anything stable. Stability is important. People give up and settle way too easily. “I can’t find a real relationship that will work, I might as well give up and just settle for hook ups.”. That type of thought process ends in my biggest fear, a life wasted, and ended alone, wondering what happened with time and wishing you could do it all over again. Bottom line, don’t use sex as a foundation for your relationship. Automatic FAIL!
So, how does this relationship thing get started if it’s not on sex?
It sounds a bit shallow, but for me it all begins with physical attraction. I could make up some line about how I am attracted to someone by what they say over what they look like. It would all be lies. I think it should be all lies if that is the story that anyone gives. But hey we are all created differently! Each of us as unique as a snow flake or even a frosted flake. Either way, you might actually be honest if you say that you are attracted to someone based on the things they say.
I am first physically attracted to someone. It is a must. They must have at least some of the features I look for in a person. Eyes matter a lot. And not just any eyes, I have to be able to look into them and see something is there. If that makes any sense. Also smile is very important to me. Doesn’t have to be a perfect smile, but the man had better smile! Life’s not as serious as we often times make it! The person has to take care of themselves or at least show strides in taking care of themselves. Those are some of my needs. Some of my wants are a nice back, nice butt, a nice sex v, a cute face, and the list goes on, but they are only wants not needs.
So yeah, anyway, first comes physical attraction, then talking. And I’m not talking about “hey baby how are you? Wanna go to my place and hang out?”…yeah…umm…NO! If you want just fun, go for that, if you want more, wait. Wait for the right guy. It may seem hard, but you can do it. Just be patient! He will come. If you aren’t willing to wait for him, you won’t be in the right place when he comes. It’s that simple.
Ok, so second step is intelligent conversation with this super attractive person you’ve found. Don’t sacrifice the intelligent conversation or at least the conversation that shows you that this is what you want in a man. I want someone with brains. Maybe that’s not you. Everyone has their type and ignorant isn’t my type. Sorry to anyone who is offended by that. Just make sure that the person can hold a conversation with you based on yours and his interests. I’m not saying a mirror of you. That would prove to be disastrous! You don’t want a clone of you or I wouldn’t anyway. You actually want someone that is at least a little different than you are. It makes it more interesting to learn about them that way. So find common ground, but also see that differences are a good thing. You won’t agree on everything. Don’t expect to! Just not going to happen.
Once they pass the conversation piece then give a break and both of you digest it. Don’t become all googly over that first conversation and don’t try to learn everything there is to know about each other in one night. You want to be able to have more stuff to talk about later. Don’t get burnt out on the first conversation(s). Give each other a break in between to decide if you really like one another. There isn’t going to be any definite decision on if you truly like one another right away. Give it some time. Within the first couple of conversations and when you feel ready move on to the first date.
It doesn’t take that much strategic planning. One of you ask and then go on that first date. If you are the one that asks and are paying, then choose something to do that shows a piece of you. Something that shows what you are into and what you like to do. It’s important that they get to see you in the date’s events. Not just physically see you, but see your personality in the decisions for the date.
On the date, just be yourself. You might be nervous or whatever ,but more than likely so are they. Work through the nervousness and let yourself shine through. The more comfortable you are with being yourself, the more comfortable they will be with being themselves. This is a first impression type of thing. What they see on that first date is a setting for what they think you’ll be the rest of the courtship and on into the relationship.
Spend time dating. If you are gay, then flip choosing what to do on the dates. So, you can each see a part of the other person’s personality. This is a pretty important piece. You gotta either flip choosing or choose together jointly. Then have fun with it. Dating is not about being all serious all the time. Dating is like a test drive to see if you like a car. It’s how you should look at it, and it’s probably how they look at it too. They are not going to “buy” you, if you are not exactly what they are looking for in a vehicle (aka boyfriend). It won’t happen. The heart is way too valuable to just lay out there for anyone to take. It’s gotta go to the right person. Unless they are like what I have been over the last three years and they just throw it out there easily, but you don’t want that. I promise you that you do not want that. It seems good at the time, but if it is that easy for you to make a decision or for them to make a decision that fast in the process, then something has to be wrong. A good guy, that’s truly ready for a relationship, will make you earn their love. Not just hand it out right away.
Ok now time for the next step, are you ready for this? It is finally relationship time! You’ve been dating for a while now, you know each other well enough to see a potential for a partnership or even marriage. This isn’t to say you will get married or have a partnership, but that you see potential in the person. This is when, the focus hones in on just you two. This is when you say “ok, no one else matters right now. I am ready to commit to you in a relationship”. This is very serious stuff and you MUST MUST MUST be on the same level. This is the doorway to forever and you don’t want to enter it unless you are ready! WAY WAY WAY too many people get into a relationship and they just aren’t ready to commit to it for whatever reason. Them not being really ready for it usually ends up with broken hearts, because it wasn’t meant to be or even worse, CHEATING! If you aren’t seriously ready for a relationship, under no circumstances, enter it! Tell the person that you just aren’t ready for it when they ask. This is no the time to lie and lead someone on to believe that you are ready. Some people just aren’t ready at the same time and that’s absolutely fine! BE HONEST about it! Some people say they don’t understand it! Guess what?!? You can’t use that excuse anymore…you just read it here. Jeremy told you, don’t enter the relationship unless you are ready!
If you are both completely ready for it and you know that you are ready to be monogamous with this person. Then please by all means move forward. If this steps is fulfilled, then it means that you have both been on the test drive and you want more. You’re ready to move on to the relationship piece. Congratulations! You have already completed more of the steps than what most people do in the whole process. Now it’s time to be in this relationship with the one you can see spending your life with. Not much changes in this step from dating. It is placed at a higher level, because this is where you focus on yourselves and not dating anyone else. This step takes time. Take a breather! Just relax! And ENJOY IT! And understand that hey if it doesn’t work out, then fine, you weren’t meant for each other! It happens more often than not….and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU, DON’T SETTLE FOR SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID NO ONE ELSE WILL LOVE YOU AND YOU’LL END UP BEING ALONE!
Spend time in the relationship getting to know each other. Get to know each other on another level! Don’t be afraid to spend an extra amount of time on this piece of everything. You don’t want to get in a partnership or marriage and realize that you made a bad mistake. Better safe than sorry. And hey, if you’re comfortable with it, do a Steadman/Oprah type thing. There is nothing that says for some people that you have to be married or partners to be happy. Some people don’t want that piece of it…and for some people throwing in the whole marriage or partnership can ruin a great relationship. Not everyone is intended to be married or partnered. That’s fine if that is your choice. If this is your final step then move in together and go from there. Really seriously, some people don’t need that kinda commitment level to be happy with where they are and that’s great.
If you are one of those people that have to be married or want a partnership, that’s great! At the point that you are both ready for partnership or marriage, someone ask, then make plans to make it happen and follow through with the plans if you know that you are meant to be together. SO CUTE! I love it when that kinda thing happens. When true love really finds it’s match in two people. Figure out how you want to go about the marriage or partnership and move forward with it. This, in my mind, makes everything concrete. This is that final level of commitment that says, “yes I want you to be my partner in this adventure called life. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. There is no way that there could be anyone out there that better fits me than you.” This is that point, where I cry some big ole happy tears. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when two people fall in real genuine love, with a strong foundation, that supports them both well! And For God’s sake, If you get to this very serious, romantic, fun, exciting point in your life and you decide to get married…I EXPECT TO GET AN INVITATION!
I hope in reading this that you get something out of it. You may not agree with me about it all. I don’t expect you to. Just know that in any relationship you must build a foundation and the whole dating thing is an important piece to it. I have learned my lesson. Love and time are both too serious to take for granted! Don’t waste your time with the games. Don’t waste too much time with the hook ups! Find that special person you want to spend your life with. Go through the steps, don’t skip them. If you love them today you will still love and want to be with them tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, and for the rest of your life. Be patient. Everything will fall in place if it is meant to be.
I loved writing this blog and I hope you enjoyed reading it just as much. If you liked it, please share it with someone else who might get something out of it. Feel free to leave me a comment. Follow me on twitter (@jspikething). Send me an e-mail (j_spike_thing@yahoo.com). Shoot me a text (707-280-2163). I look forward to hearing from you.
Peace out blog junkies,
J
